Friday, September 13, 2013

Being on the Other Side



I feel sad. Happy but sad at the same time. After almost two decades of following my parents' religion and then some more years as a wandering agnostic, I feel like I've come to a standstill in regards of my relationship with my family. When I left Christianity, my parents were devastated and told me all kinds of barbaric things like I would burn in hell and the like but time passed by and they kind of left me be.

They would always try to get me to go to church somehow but I'd sneakily find a way of diverting their attention or simply stormed out, whichever seemed more appropriate. At that time, I wasn't pursuing anything. No spiritual path, no different belief, just nothing. I was just wandering around and living my life without any sense of spiritualism (not that it's wrong, I just didn't do anything). It was somewhat OK since I didn't have to explain anything to my parents. For all they knew I was just a young woman rebelling against the church, not God. 

I never really got a chance to explain to them why I left church and they have never really given me an opportunity to do so without cutting me off first and reciting the same old "burn in hell" mantra. I've tried to talk to them before to no avail so I just forgot about the subject and kept on living my life. Somehow, it feels much different now.
I was talking to my boyfriend about this the other day and I just started crying out of nowhere. I felt extremely sad that now that I've finally found something I truly embrace with my heart I can't say anything to any of my family members, not one. I've thought about it again and again and I had been living my life however I wanted to ever since I left their house but somehow NOW it feels different. Telling them I'm a Pagan would literally kill them, well not literally but you know what I mean.

I know I'm old enough to live however I want to but my family is important to me and judging from previous attempts they will not tolerate my current ways. I don't want to part from them nor I want to hurt them but I can't help but feel extremely sad whenever I discover something new that I'd like to share and that is a part of me and I can't. They don't even know that I have tattoos. I don't know what to do. One part of me says that they've lived their lives however they've wanted to and they should let me do the same but the stronger part of me says that this will destroy them and I don't wanna do that.

I just had to let this out. Sorry for the sad mood.

Until next time.

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